It is ok to look behind you. There may be things you forgot even though you cant go back to get them.  We all have memories.  Some good.  Some not so good. And some that are so horrible that your afraid to look at them.  They say the past can't hurt you but the hurt is all ready there. The damage is done.  A memory can be older than dirt and still effect you like it was yesterday.  But sometimes in order to grow, looking back is important.  Not so much at the details of the bull shit but the way it changed you.  The fear that became such a deep part of you.  The anxiety that cripples you at times.  The hatred you hear in your head all targeting YOU.  

We are the way we are because of what happens to us.  Workaholics, overachiever's, drug addicts, drunks, over thinkers, shy, emotional, bruised, sad, angry, ect...  Some asshole can ruin a childs life but it is up to the child to repair their life years later. Or some abusive husband can ruin his wife and it is up to her to fix herself and any kids they may have had.  Some bully at school can make a kids life unbearable but it is up to the kid being bullied to rise above it and carry on.  Same in the workplace. You can bust your ass, do a great job, get the best raise, and boom.....you suck.  All of a sudden you suck.  And its up to you to rise above it and put your best foot forward.  None of this seems right, I know!  It's unfortunate but its necessary.  Necessary because you need to get past it, grow from it, and become a successful adult. Or you can remain angry, drunk, high, an emotional wreck, and so on.  It's a choice.  And it's NEVER, ever easy.

I started a blog years ago and I didn't go very far with it.  I ended it out of fear.  Fear of who would read it, what would they think, and the price I'd have to pay for them reading it. Nine years later, I just don't care.  It's time to continue something I started.  Now it's not gonna be all this poor me crap.  Its gonna be many things.  My story.  Saving a piece of furniture.  My joy as a grandma and mama.  A caregiver.  Along with the grief I have had to live with since approximately age seven.  Yes, you read that right.  Age seven! Along with some humor.  Yes I can be a funny girl.  I love to laugh.  It beats crying.  

So moving forward.... I found my old blog entries and will put them on this page.  Saves me some time from rewriting lol.  And after rereading them they were pretty good.  So I have decided to roll with it.  And so so much more has happened since then.  With the most devastating being that I lost my dad on April 17th 2023. He was my rock!  My best friend!  And now I am left having to be all that and more for myself.